Saturday, November 17, 2012

Bloom on the Fruit - Thoughts on the Mysteriousness of Women

Written Fall 2008

As the years on my meter increase, not only do I realize how little I know about life in general, but also how meager my understanding of the opposite sex truly is.

Women are strikingly puzzling creatures - fascinating yet painfully befuddling at times.

But praise God, for I wouldn't have it any other way. Predictability and the overall lack of mysteriousness in women shouldn't be promoted as entirely positive qualities.

For most, sharp, dynamical contracts in behavior is what provides flavor and spark. I concur that the best relationships in the world are constructed on principles associated with expecting the unexpected and striving for a personality that embraces the many curveballs life throws out.

But back to my effeminate convictions...

It has been said that women are like fine china. I prefer the more romantic approach to women being more like the bloom on fruit, inspired by the words of Henry David Thoreau. Delicate handling is a required.

Interestingly enough, it's in the delicate handling that has led me to my newest aura of frustration.

A few months ago, a female friend of mine needed a vent outlet. She was having one of those days not even Ben & Jerry could salvage. And out of 6 billion people, I just so happened to be her first choice as a rant escape route.

Now every guy should realize when he is selected as a "rant escape route" by a member of the opposite sex, there is no backing down. You have been chosen! Natural selection has found its victim. Time to close off distractions and focus 150% on your newly oppressed companion.

To all you guys out there, it's important to note all ego and sarcasm must go. For in fifteen seconds, you will find yourself submerged under a platform of negativity. To be prepared would be the best move you could make.

If you can manage the initial challenge, you're almost set. Sure, you can collect your $200 and make your early move, but keep in mind this is not ordinary Monopoly. Chances are you'll be behind bars before making it around the board one time to tell about it.
Why? Because within minutes, you'll encounter the toughest mountain of all - the seemingly insurmountable combination of vague reception and perhaps the ultimate knock on male psyche: helplessness.

You see, a woman will only jump off the deep end if she feels comfortable (which never happens anyway because how can a woman vent and feel completely comfortable at the same time?) She'll establish her feelings first, but will remain shallow on the situations at hand. Talk about the ultimate emotional incapacitation.

Also, a woman doesn't need a man to go "Dr. Phil" on them so much. Women need men who can commit to listen. Experience tells a man this is true nine out of 10 times. Women need you to look into their eyes and tell them everything will be all right, even though you feel like it's December 26, 2004, and you're standing on the beaches of Kata Noi Beach, Thailand staring into the eyes of three massive tidal waves.

Yes, waves of dramatic energy are slamming you in the face, whether you like it or not. But put down that white flag, my fellow man! Don't lose all hope just yet.

Remember, you are accomplishing what every woman says you can't do: multi-task. Not only are you listening to them rant, you are assembling multiple puzzle pieces spewing as lasers from raging, pulsating lips! Give yourself a quiet pat on the back and press on...

Now the most natural response during this stage is trying to solve the mystery of the "issue" - hoping to crack codes so you may eventually lead your dismayed damsel down a path to some form of breakthrough.

Well, congratulations! You've now entered the outer gates of my dilemma. Again, don't stress! It's treatable. It's entirely fixable.

The problem: see last paragraph.
The solution - well, it's relatively simple.

First, channel all your attention on the listening component. Depending on how dier the circumstances, she made need you to rescue her at some point; however, chances are you're not at a position to do it just yet. Quench the desire to "Robin Hood" her. Certain signs do exist concerning how to woo her from present onslaught. Still, you need to know theses signs before executing some radical "Ethan Hunt" maneuver. What are these signs? Press me enough and I'll share them with you. But for now, it's a different message for a different day.

Second, deflect her biting remarks. Guys, you must not absorb her verbage 100%. Part of every woman's claptrapping involves phrases linked to the idea that we have no idea how she feels. Sure, a few diamonds of truth can be found at the core of this notion, but is it so necessary a woman must derail a man's confidence in her attempt to surface her head above the waters? I hope the answer is clear to all of you...

If your tongue is safe-guarded and yet you find yourself on the receiving end of insult, politely bombast her back and get the heck out of there! Actually, upon second though, don't do this. But seriously, be what every woman wants you to be: a man! A wise man once told me at lunch last year: take it for what's it worth! I leave my argument at that...

I must retire for now before my mind does a "Columbia" on me. Remember, men, this is part of our role. We must step up to the challenge like a vintage Michael Jordan in his game 7 performances.

Surely, God smiled on the day woman was created - not just because He officially set the bar of "fine," but because he knew how often we, guys, would turn to Him in moments when we never could handle the bloom on the fruit.

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