Why I Stonewall (A Teenage Monologue)

I have a problem I’m willing to admit: I don’t give a crap what you think.

Because at the end of the day, I’m not you…
…and I’m only going to give you so much room. To know. To feel. To see. Me.

Granted, I’m not the center of the universe. Psh, I mean, who am I to want that?  Besides, it’s not like I want, or even need attention as much as some acceptance once and a while. But let's get one thing straight: I'm not the kind to tempt pride by wielding it out of people. That's just not me. Honestly, I’d rather tightrope the fine line between selflessness and self-protection. After all, I have fears and hopes like anyone else.

Let’s face it: the pursuit of “happiness” is messy and joy comes with a cost. Whatever we’re searching for…whatever path we desire…chances are the road will feature rejection, failure, uncertainty…and collisions into our darkest fears. Surely not every journey justifies the pain incurred…

…then again maybe it does.

I mean…I may not know much, but I do know what it’s like to be labeled. To be typecast as a miscreant. To be ruthlessly judged. To be purposely ignored. I know what it’s like to shatter expectations. To delay dreams. To disappoint the people I love the most. To strip away innocence by an idolized thirst for fulfillment.

I know what it’s like to rip the smile off of God’s face.

And honestly, that’s enough to tolerate the haunting memories seeking to suck the life-brew out of me.

But it’s there in my cul-de-sac of vulnerability where I’m reminded why I stonewall…why I create fortresses of hurt prevention. For out of offense, I establish my best defense. At least, that’s the lie I want to believe. When relational drama cyclones into my life, I want to be ready. And the only way to be ready is to establish my fortress and leave only when I have to. Maybe once in a while, I’ll lower my moat into the cold wilderness of community. After all, I can’t be my own prisoner. I have to believe I’ll find some diamonds in the rough some day, right?

Until then, I can only care so much. ‘Cause at the end of the day, what really matters are the warm confines of my refuge and the safety in knowing I alone possess the key. No way in heck I’ll let anyone have it. I mean…why permit another condescending soul to liquidate my self-worth based on blind assumptions again?

Truth is: I’d rather be alone then discarded, consumed by the unfailing than emotionally tied to shadows posing as promises. After all, life’s too short to wake up in the morning with regrets. So I’ll cut the cord, turn the other cheek and keep the ignorance on the opposition’s court. It just doesn’t make sense to care what others believe…to share in the responsibility of what others deem true.

But good grief, when did I become so skeptical? Sheesh, this doesn’t sound like me…to use hostility and exclusion as means for peace? God forbid I stay this way. 

*Sigh* I'd like to think I'm stronger, more mature now than I used to be. And I’d like to think the walls have helped me get there. Maybe one of these days I’ll get around to building some bridges for once. But for now, who knows.

All I know is...I can't afford any more sorrow...

...then again...that's why I stonewall…
…because what doesn’t kill me makes me stronger. At least, that's the lie I want to believe...

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