But for me…at least right now…I have no clue where to begin.
After all…it’s not every day you phase into a new decade.
Granted, I can appreciate the hearty buzz of a “happy new year”, the cordial texts from family members, not to mention the amusing Facebook comments from “friends” you’d least expect.
But this year…I can’t help but feel clouded, caught amid a ‘spectacular now’ and the rocky roads far past…yet faintly visible in the rear-view mirror.
*Sigh* I suppose what I’m trying to say is: I’m not ready to be 30.
I don’t feel it, don’t look it, and quite frankly, want nothing to do with it.
Not to sound cliché or anything; I get why people audit their value1 when they approach meaningful age markers.
I guess it’s just…though there’s much to look forward to and much to be thankful for…I just don’t know how to process my 20’s. I figure if I find a solution…any solution… maybe I’ll be able to look back and smile without it rooted in the contrast between what is and what was2.
Yet, while I admit there’s much I don’t understand, what I do know is:
I’m not yet where I want to be, but I’m no longer who I used to be.
And that’s okay, ‘cause I know despite what anyone says…I’m well on my way...
...in this inlet of transition.
Yes, it’s true I’ve been labeled before.
Unworthy, hopeless…even fake…
…but deep down, I know who I am now…
…even if it took me 25…26 years and a couple wildernesses to get there.
So here’s to turning 30 as one burning the boats back to who he used to be…
…whose journey is still young as he.
I may be a shadow of man undone…
…but praise God, my life has just begun3.
1) Or better yet, their sense of value, meaningfulness, etc.
2) And the evidence of having moved on
3) Inspired by Neulore’s ‘Shadow of a Man’
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